mystery.

I spent a lot of time with my grandma as a kid. She thought I hung the moon, and she was all around pretty wonderful herself. We’d stay up late, telling jokes, making shadow puppets on the walls, eating endless popcorn and watching tv. 

The regular programming at her house was Matlock, Columbo, and the Rockford Files. She also let me watch Magnum PI, and I now realize I didn’t appreciate 35 year old Tom Selleck as much as I should have. Ha ha. I digress. I grew up on murder mysteries and crime shows. Back then it was all fiction. Now, well, I’m pretty sure they will put basically anything on tv, so we get real life tales from medical examiners and homicide detectives. Gone are the days of Tom Selleck and his half buttoned hawaiian shirt being racy. I credit Grandma and her tv programming selections for my curiosity, and ability to notice small details that other people often look past.

Everyday I’m grateful for the time I spent with her. Right now I am also grateful for the amount of Columbo we watched. Sassy Britches, not quite as grateful for the wanna be Columbo in me. 

A few days ago, it came to my attention that there was a tiktok account created in my honor, anonymously, of course. The phrase “in my honor” is code for, let’s bitch about how awful mom is. Unfortunately for Sassy Britches, nothing on the internet is really untraceable. Took me a minute to notice it, but the account profile photo was one I knew I had seen before. (Blurry fireworks shot.) I sent Sassy Britches a text and asked her for photos of the fireworks she saw. Funny. Same place. Same time. Taken with the same phone. Thank you, Columbo. 

I’ve been sitting on this news for a few days. However, each time Sassy Britches and I have parted ways, I have called her by the screen name for the account. She never acknowledged it. So, either it blew past her or she was trying to avoid what I’m sure felt like imminent doom. 

This morning I woke up to one kid AWOL. She is very possibly the sneakiest kiddo I have met, disguised in a very dainty and innocent looking frame. Seems like she got a ride out of here around midnight. I’ve already reported her missing, or tried to. Turns out DPD already has an existing missing persons report for her, so our local sheriff can’t enter a new one until the other one is closed. How she has managed to be in the foster care system and be missing while placed in a licensed foster home, I have zero idea. 

Being I already had the AWOL business to deal with, why not add the TikTok business to it and at least entertain myself? Sounds like a plan to me. After all, today is my birthday. Go big or go home. 

Sassy Britches and I got in the car to head out and I sent her phone a screen capture of the account. Feeling pretty proud of myself in this particular moment if I’m being honest. Anyway, she tries to avoid opening the message but eventually does. She insists she has no idea why I sent it to her. I whip out my evidence and she cracks. I told her to get with me by the end of the day as to what she thinks her consequences should be. We both know she’s not doing that. It’s the thought that counts.