the lightbulb is missing.

I say several things at least 2-3 times a month that I find are applicable to many real life situations.

First, stop looking for logic where there is none. This applies to most arguments with teenagers and/or hysterical people, along with several trauma behaviors. If I had a nickel for every single time someone has asked, “Why on Earth would they do something like that?”, I’d be retired and living on a private island someplace. Seriously! You don’t HAVE to understand it. You may have to accept it and you may have to support it, but it’s not at all a requirement to understand. The logic in decision making is individual, likely doesn’t match yours and it doesn’t have to. Stop looking for the behavior of others to make sense to you. Odds are good that that’s never happening and the more you try, the nuttier you become. Let that shit go!

The second, and likely most important to my mental health is the phrase, “There is no lightbulb moment here!” When caught in a situation or conversation where I feel like I’m spinning my wheels, I likely am! I need to listen to that feeling and stop exerting useless emotion and energy. There comes a point where it is obvious that there is zero I am going to say that is going to give that other person some lightbulb moment where they reflect and turn and say, “You know what? You’re right!” Yeah, nope. Accept it and let that shit go, too. 

Sometimes I’m REALLY lucky and both phrases apply. Today for example, I found myself the unwilling participant of some circular argument with someone who rarely owns anything at their own doing or responsibility. I’ve heard the words, I was wrong, flow from her mouth ONCE. Arguments with this particular person are often one sided, and always when there is opposition… you know, because she’s oppressed and I’m a “jerk”. It’s absolutely not because one should be accountable for their actions. Also, totally not because we are trying to raise productive and successful adults. Nope, just oppressed. 

Very soon in the text messaging after she’s asked for something and I’ve said no, the why pops up. I try hard not to be the *because I said so* parent. I also don’t want to participate in this, for both her sake and mine. I preface my reasoning by acknowledging that no reason I give her is going to be acceptable, give her the list as to why the answer is no, and conclude with how I hope I can say yes next time. Shockingly, it took her 14 minutes to respond. For a hot minute there I thought I was wrong to assume she’d come back for the kill. Nope.

She starts her retort by telling me I’m a jerk. Ok, great. For the record if at any point in my juvenile life I had called my parent a jerk, I’m not sure I’d still be here to talk about it. I can’t even tell you the number of times Bestie and I have had the, “holy shit, I would have never even dared to do/say that to my parents.” Likely needless for me to say, I’m even less interested in participating in this than I was 14 minutes earlier. The diatribe directed my way goes, and goes, and goes, and goes some more. There are so many random things, and gaslighting attempts being tossed about that I can’t even follow it. I tell her that it’s time to stop, she’s at school, I’m working, happy to discuss it later when she’s had time to reflect. She informs me that she is going to be just as “passionate” about this when she gets home. (This is the only thing she’s said so far that is agree with and that makes sense.) She follows that up with telling me that regardless of the no, she’s doing what she wants. Unwise, but ok. If you don’t like the consequences for skipping school without any consent, twice this week alone, I suspect you aren’t going to like the consequences for not returning home from school after you’ve already been told no. Again, never in a million years would I have even entertained the thought of directly disobeying an order, let alone given my parent advanced notice that I was willing to be that disrespectful. Rule number one: don’t bite the hand that supports you. 

Eventually I have to just stop responding. There is no lightbulb moment here for her, and there isn’t any logic that is going to meet up with mine. Let that shit go. Furthermore, I think, after being the bad guy on Thanksgiving, she’s only been speaking to me again since maybe Tuesday, so why break with tradition. 

My work day has taken a nose dive, and I’d be willing to guess that she’s gotten absolutely nothing out of the rest of the school day. I did learn something today though. I’m a jerk. The same jerk that does everyone’s laundry, meals, transportation and cleaning. Who knew.