Hello, Instacart.

Most of the things in my life, show up on my porch in Amazon boxes, delivered by my favorite dude in the brown uniform. Salad forks, are included in that list of things. For all of you that have asked, you can pick up your own set of my favorite salad forks from Amazon. I need things at home to match, and these have been in stock for years. Anyway, if it isn’t Amazon, it is Instacart. If I paid myself for my time, (and I like to think I’m pretty valuable.. ha ha), while it is often more to have it delivered, it isn’t more than the saved time is worth to me. Furthermore, if you have ever attempted hitting up the grocery store and shopping for a family of 9 (as of right now), you’d likely be exhausted before you started. The thought of the time invested, the strange looks as I proceed to the check out with what is likely my weight in milk, and the dreaded unload… count me the heck out. Like I said, exhausted. I will admit that I typically try to time the grocery delivery during the a peak household occupancy time. After all, they are the swarm of locusts that will have just about all that food gone by morning, they can do the putting away.

I most often make dinner for everyone each night. In an effort to curb the feast that goes down immediately after they get off the bus, (you know, the giant bowl of noodles for one person that is actually an entire package, topped with three quarters of a bag of shredded cheese, most of which just lands on the counter top and the floor), I put the menu for each day on the calendar. If you are thinking what a great idea that is, don’t. It doesn’t usually work. The only person usually paying attention to me is me, so the menu note that I guess I’m making for myself only helps for my meal planning and grocery shopping. My favorite is when I’m in the kitchen, and someone looks at the calendar on the fridge and says, “What are we having for dinner?” Whomever said there is no such thing as a stupid question is a filthy liar.

We eat dinner around 3:30-4:00pm. Otherwise known as meal time at the local retirement community. This early dinner all started because every kid in my house has somewhere to be by 6pm at the latest most of the time. Secondly, dearest Hubby leaves the house at the crack of dawn. I’m pretty sure his lunch time falls around 9 or 10am. Furthermore, Hubby could also easily go to bed at 6pm. Of course he says he’s not sleeping, but the violent snoring says otherwise. Much to the excitement of the children, this leaves plenty of time for what we call dinner number two. Dinner number two of course happens directly after I have cleaned the kitchen for the day and closed up shop. I find that dinner number two also must consist of something that splatters oil/butter all over the glass cooktop, eggs or noodles, and always a bag of shredded cheese for good measure. It seems dinner number two can also ONLY be eaten in the kitchen and shoveled from the plate to the mouth with such fury that half of it ends off on the floor. If it’s not in the kitchen, it is at the end of the trail of hot sauce that runs the path from the kitchen to the bed of Sassy Britches. Yes, really, like a scene right out of Hansel and Gretel.

Due to the swarm of locusts, and dinner times two, I’d be at the grocery store, a lot. I have zero desire to be that lady. The closest I’m getting to the grocery store is pulling up to Aldi for store pickup to get my Instacart 5% back. Yes, that really is a thing. I found out about that a few months ago. Store pickup WITH a rebate was almost as exciting as the day I realized you could order just a plate of bacon at McDonalds. That right there was Earth shattering news. Seems most of the other moms I talk to didn’t know about the “secret bacon” either. If that happens to be you, you’re welcome. That 5% I just saved at Aldi pickup probably could go into my secret bacon fund, or, because I’m more responsible than that, it gets set aside for the next grocery order. That’s not true. Instacart forces me to hold the rebate there, which means I have to buy the kind of bacon that I have to cook myself. Either way, BACON!

Anyway, the grocery bill is enormous, so the meal planning on the calendar thing has worked out nicely. I can shop from my kitchen, buying only what I actually need, and it also prevents me from the grocery store grazing if I were there in person. Hellooooooo Sour Patch Kids. Usually I get it all set up for a Sunday delivery, shopping from the fridge, freezer and pantry first. I hunt down recipes for things I know I have a lot of and fill in the ingredient gap as needed. If I plan it out well, I can get away with a few hundred dollars a week during the school year. Again, most of our groceries come from Aldi, and produce from the fruit market, typically. Yes, Instacart delivers from there too!