my limits.

I try not to make decisions when I’m angry. It’s a work in progress. Sometimes I’m good at it, sometimes not so much. Hubby is mostly aware that he’s not great at it either, so he tells me to wait 24 hours before I act on anything he tells me to do when he’s angry. 

I’m very clearly a victim of parental abuse at the hands of Daytime Emmy Nominee. We all know it. The mean she displays comes out now more than the sweet, kind hearted version of her. Some days she cycles so fast between the two extremes that I can’t keep track. She and I have talked about it. We both acknowledge what’s going on. I suppose that’s something. 

I’m sure she has no concept of how brokenhearted I am over it, just like I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in her head. I keep hanging on to her, hoping that whatever got her here gets fixed “in time.” I don’t even know what “in time” looks like anymore. We live on the edge of what I think we can’t take anymore, basically on the regular now. Hubby battles with his need to protect and defend me, (which is one of the millions of things I love about him), and the fact that no amount of anger he displays and nothing he says is going to get her to stop. She doesn’t get it and he doesn’t get that. 

The other kids in the house swing from loving her to visualizing strangling her. Daytime Emmy Nominee senses only the days others what the strangle her. That creates an entirely new problem as it just makes her more angry. The correlation between how you behave/treat others and how they treat you is lost on her. If you have not noticed, lacking responsibility for one’s own actions is a very common theme around here.

After legit begging since May, we have just started with Wraparound services with our county. I’ve put all my eggs in this basket. We have weekly team meetings, individual DBT therapy, family therapy supposedly coming, (which I’d argue we need most), a parent support person, and a community support person (again, supposedly coming), just to name a few. Youth can utilize these services until age 18 once they are approved by a screening. This is the second child I’ve experienced Wraparound with, and the only time I’ve ever looked forward to it or wanted it. It is a lot of work/time invested, with no guarantee of positive progress or healing. 

It is Christmas, and today I’m struggling with the very delicate balance between natural consequences/responsibility and peace. Daytime Emmy Nominee wants to go out, there should be consequences for the circus she created yesterday. On the other hand, the sounds of all of us enjoying each others company sounds much more appealing than the screaming shit show that was yesterday. In an effort to make everyone happy, I’ve settled on the compromise of room cleaning in exchange for a day of galavanting.