my limits.

I try not to make decisions when I’m angry. It’s a work in progress. Sometimes I’m good at it, sometimes not so much. Hubby is pretty aware that he’s not great at it either, so he tells me to wait 24 hours before I act on anything he tells me to do when he’s angry. 

I’m very clearly a victim of parental abuse at the hands of Daytime Emmy Nominee. I love her, and because of it I suppose I let her hurt me. The mean she displays comes out now more than the sweet, kind hearted version of her. Some days she cycles so fast between the two extremes that I can’t keep track. She and I have talked about it. We both acknowledge what’s going on. That’s something. 

I’m sure she has no concept of how brokenhearted I am over it, just like I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in her head. I keep hanging on to her, hoping that whatever got her here gets fixed “in time.” I don’t even know what “in time” looks like anymore. We live on the edge of what I think we can’t take anymore, basically on the regular now. Hubby battles with his need to protect and defend me, (which is one of the millions of things I love about him), and the fact that no amount of anger he displays and nothing he says is going to get her to stop. She doesn’t get it and he doesn’t get that. Because of it, I find myself hiding my hurt feelings in an effort to make it easier on him. I’m a fixer. It’s a curse. 

After legit begging since May, we have just started with Wraparound services with Macomb County. I’ve put all my eggs in this basket. We have weekly team meetings, individual DBT therapy, family therapy, (which I’d argue we need most), a parent support person, and a community support person, just to name a few. Youth can utilize these services until age 18 once they are approved by a screening. This is the second child I’ve experienced Wraparound with, and the only time I’ve ever looked forward to it or wanted it. It is a lot of work/time invested, with no guarantee of positive progress. 

We head home from our trip today. Princess will head back up to school, and the rest of us back to the reality of home. Vacation is never long enough and I really struggled facing the fact that it was time to go home. It doesn’t help that it’s snowing, which makes me just want to sit!

I have no idea what Monday will bring. I’ve heard nothing from anyone about Sneaky Sweet Tooth. I did put in notice to end placement the day of the fires, and have not seen or heard anything thing since. I don’t know what my options are, but I suspect I’ll be asked/told to allow her to return, at least for the remainder of the 14 days. I’m struggling with the idea of that and the risk to everyone else at home. I’m sure that’s contributed to my hesitation to go home to face the music. It would be really easy for me to insert commentary here about how broken the foster care system is. That said, I don’t know that the resources even exist to remedy that. I do what I can. Complaining about it gets us no where.